With the weather warming up, many Americans are itching to hop into some cargo shorts and set off on an adventure.
U.S. national parks are a popular destination, with the National Park Service reporting 312 million visitors in 2022 alone.
The two national parks closest to Dallas are Waco Mammoth and Chickasaw National Recreation Area in Oklahoma.
But before you head to one of the over 400 national parks located across the country, it is a good idea to brush up on your wildlife etiquette.
Luckily, some crucial tips delivered in a witty, often tongue-in-cheek way can be found on the social media accounts run by the NPS.
In fact, demonstrating a clever mix of humor, pop culture references, and obvious statements, the government agency’s posts on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook frequently go viral.
At first I was a tree, now I’m petrified. Thinking all my wooden rings had turned to stone inside. I will survive…I will survive! 🎶 🎤 pic.twitter.com/jVSIxFE6rn
— National Park Service (@NatlParkService) April 5, 2023
Matt Turner, who previously worked as a guide and interpreter at NPS sites, has managed the agency’s social media content since 2018, per The Washington Post.
He collaborates with a team of experts in public affairs and digital media to craft engaging content that utilizes humor to educate the public and encourage them to visit national parks.
The following is a small selection of some of the hilarious wildlife tips provided by the NPS.
This Isn’t a Petting Zoo
Don't pet the fluffy cows. 🦬
— National Park Service (@NatlParkService) March 30, 2023
One of the most popular posts from the agency warns visitors about the bison, which are responsible for more injuries to people at Yellowstone than any other animal. Last summer saw a surge in such attacks, with three occurring in just one month.
Gorings aren’t exclusive to Yellowstone, as a Texas woman named Rebecca Clark was attacked by a bison while hiking the Caprock Canyons State Park and Trailway last fall, as The Dallas Express reported.
Bison can be unpredictable and run three times faster than a human.
“In national parks, you don’t pet bison,” a follow-up tweet from the NPS warned. “Bison pet you. (If you get too close.)”
The NPS urges visitors to their parks to stay at least 25 yards away from bison.
There quite literally exists a “rule of thumb” to help you determine whether you are at a safe distance from wildlife or not.
“A good method to use to ensure that you keep your distance is to stick out your thumb,” a post from the NPS on Instagram explained. “If your thumb covers the animal from a distance, you’re a safe distance away. If your thumb does not cover the animal, you are too close!”
Seriously, Never Feed the Wildlife
The NPS often posts reminders to refrain from feeding the wild animals living in national parks.
The agency explains that animals that eat human snacks may stop eating the nutrients they need to survive, which can lead to severe health problems, per the WP.
For this reason, it is imperative to stash trash, store food, and leave no trace of a visit.
Failure to do so can result in an infamous squirrel attack, about which the NPS thankfully has some advice to impart as well.
Most squirrel bites originate at the front, or “bitey end,” of the squirrel.
— National Park Service (@NatlParkService) March 20, 2023
Beware, some even larger residents of the park — such as bears — might catch wind of your snacks.
In the event of a bear encounter, the NPS has a number of general guidelines for park visitors.
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
— National Park Service (@NatlParkService) February 28, 2023
The agency does not recommend running or climbing into trees. This might trigger a chase response, the guide explains.
Instead, speak calmly and gesture with your arms, indicating that you are a human and not a prey animal.
Keep Your Tongue to Yourself
As we say with most things you come across in a national park, whether it be a banana slug, unfamiliar mushroom, or a large toad with glowing eyes in the dead of night, please refrain from licking. 🚫👅
Thank you. Oops. Toot!
— National Park Service (@NatlParkService) November 1, 2022
The NPS warns visitors to avoid touching the Sonoran Desert toad, which secretes a potent toxin from its parotoid glands.
As The Dallas Express reported, this is the toad’s only means of defense from predators since it has no teeth or claws.
The substance is a hallucinogenic known as 5-Meo-DMT, which may produce a psychedelic high when ingested.
It is also likely to get you sick, with symptoms of vomiting, muscle weakness, and rapid heart rate reported.
A further tweet from the NPS offers yet another very credible reason to keep your tongue inside your mouth where it belongs.
Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have flown south. ❄️
Snow joke. Follow us for more winter tips!
Image: Moose with tongue sticking out takes a chance at @GrandTetonNPS. Magical. NPS/C. Adams pic.twitter.com/zFuNWwx33t
— National Park Service (@NatlParkService) December 8, 2022
Don’t Underestimate the Little Guys
Wild animals can be very territorial.
That’s my perch! I don’t know you! pic.twitter.com/qngKIfhTFH
— National Park Service (@NatlParkService) April 11, 2023
This includes smaller critters like the ermine, which the NPS explains is fierce despite its stature.
Did you know if you hold an ermine up to your ear, you can hear what it’s like to be attacked by an ermine? pic.twitter.com/CS20M9XDjh
— National Park Service (@NatlParkService) February 1, 2023
Even the wild turkey shouldn’t be taken lightly. According to the NPS, the bird can move surprisingly fast, at a speed of up to 18 miles per hour.
“Sometimes, they may respond aggressively to shiny objects, their own reflections, or those they seek revenge from,” the NPS’s post on Instagram warns.
Despite being highly comical, the NPS’s social media posts convey an important message by promoting wildlife safety.
Keep them in mind while visiting some of the splendors of national parks in Texas like Big Bend, Padre Island, or the Guadalupe Mountains.
