Burdet-tiquette: When Guests Bring Their Own Meal And Break The Rules Of Hosting

Welcome to Burdet-tiquette, where Lisa Burdette, founder of The Dallas School of Etiquette and a mother of six with global expertise, answers your questions on the art of courtesy.

Reader Question: John 

My wife and I open our home to my sister’s family for most major holidays.  My sister, her husband, and two young adult children are generally decent guests, but there have been minor issues in the past with frequent tardiness, etc. There have been times my sister has co-developed the meal plan and made a dish to fit into the overall meal. Other times, she has brought an appetizer or dessert to add to the meal. There have been a few times she has shown up with nothing.  Overall, my sister tends to be a difficult person and frequently has conflicts with my parents and other siblings, and I consistently open my home to her because there are years when she is not welcome elsewhere.

This past Thanksgiving, my sister did not contact us beforehand to co-develop the meal. Therefore, we shopped and prepared enough food for all guests, and the menu does not typically vary from year to year. My sister showed up with a large bowl and salad fixings and proceeded to prepare a salad to add to the meal. She also arrived with a large sweet potato casserole, even though we had already prepared a sweet potato casserole and had enough for all guests, as we do each year. She explained hers was a healthier version that her daughter could eat (apparently, her daughter is on a special diet). Once dinner was over, my sister, unannounced, went into my kitchen and proceeded to bake her own pumpkin pie (she had premixed the batter prior to arriving). Again, we had made pumpkin pie for all, but she explained hers was healthier.  We thought the behavior was strange, but we rolled with it and carried on with the holiday. After the guests left, my wife and children were a little miffed and felt somewhat “fat-shamed” in our own house.  She was then invited to Christmas dinner.

A few hours before her scheduled arrival on Christmas Day, she let me know that her daughter has dietary restrictions and that she planned to bring a salad and casserole so that her daughter would have something to eat. Prior to that point, there had been no discussion about the menu or bringing food. I explained to her that we had already completed all the shopping, cooking, and preparation for 13 people.

I told her that if she planned to bring a separate salad casserole and dessert for her family, it would make more sense for them to eat at home and then join us for the festivities. I asked that she not bring separate large dishes or prepare additional food in my house because we were prepared to host. To accommodate her daughter, I offered a compromise: she could bring a separate plate for herself, and we would add meat at dinnertime. She agreed to the compromise.

Despite this, she arrived three hours later with large separate dishes for her family to have a separate salad and potato casserole, even though we had prepared enough salad and potato casserole for all. This was upsetting because it directly contradicted what we had discussed in advance. We addressed it immediately, and she told us, upon reflection– and despite what she agreed to– she thought we we are unreasonable, so she brought her own food anyway.  The initial conversation was ugly, and perhaps some unnecessarily hurtful things were said in anger; however, we moved forward with the evening—having dinner, playing games, enjoying dessert, and exchanging gifts. No one was asked to leave, no one was denied food, and we made every effort to continue the holiday together, despite some underlying tension.  My sister’s entire family ate her casserole and salad and proceeded to tell us that was the plan all along (contradicting the story that just her daughter wanted special food), but heartily enjoyed the protein I provided.

What has been difficult since is hearing that my wife and I are being portrayed as unreasonable, when the facts show that we tried to address this ahead of time and offered a reasonable accommodation. Our concern was never about dietary needs; it was about clear communication and respect for agreed-upon plans in our home.

We open our house willingly and put significant time and effort into hosting family gatherings. If a meal we prepare does not work for someone, that’s understandable—but we believe those conversations need to happen in advance, so expectations are clear for everyone.

The question for you is whether we were being unreasonable in asking her not to bring in her own meal at the last minute. In addition, what should our expectation have been about her behavior once we explained that she went back on our agreement?

Lisa’s Response

First, you are an absolute saint to host such a gathering and to continue to do so. Forgive all ugly words and do not allow the behavior of your sister to disrupt your intentions of goodwill and accommodation for all.

I would like to first discuss proper etiquette for dining at another person’s home…whether friends, family, or a business gathering.

Guest Etiquette

When dining at someone’s home, never bring your own food unless you are asked to do so. If you have dietary restrictions, please call ahead for permission. Dietary restrictions should be limited to medical conditions such as diabetes or a diagnosed gluten intolerance and not personal preferences. If the host gives permission, guests should quietly bring their own food or eat before they attend. Guests should always, always graciously comply with the host. This includes family members as well as friends.

During the event, you may have a child who does not get the food he/she expected. Or perhaps a gift you were supposed to receive was overlooked or just misplaced. Instead of focusing on these blunders, thank the hostess for all the things you did experience, such as a festive meal and a beautifully decorated house. Appreciate the hostess for all that was done. If you feel that your food was not appropriate or that you were missed or forgotten with the gifts, choose to forget these shortcomings and grant mercy. Remember, your hostess did not forget you intentionally. Then, quietly leave without making a scene when it’s time to go.

When dining in someone’s home, never arrive without a gift for the hostess. Take the time to think about the interests of the hostess. Some gift ideas include flowers or a pretty box of mixed nuts. If you take wine, make sure the hostess likes to drink.

Never display an attitude of expectation when you are being served. Remember, unless you are willing to host, never complain. Overlook any shortcomings and display gratitude.

After the event, send a handwritten thank-you note. A text message is also acceptable, just remember the time and effort of the hostess.

My Response to Your Situation

Your sister should have prepared special food for her daughter, while she and her husband ate what you prepared. If guests have any medically prescribed needs, they should discuss this with the hostess ahead of time. Only the person with dietary restrictions should eat his or her special food. All other guests should graciously eat what the hostess has prepared.

As for unreasonable expectations, you must forgive and ignore any comments. You must acknowledge who and what you are dealing with and handle them accordingly during the next holiday season. In a loving way, tighten your boundaries and put everything in writing. Send out an email or invitation to all guests ahead of time with the menu and ask for special dietary and medical needs, not requests. Then, try to accommodate these needs. If anyone needs to bring their own food, serve this food to the guest with the dietary restriction.

My advice comes straight from the heart and from my own experiences in working with individuals who have no idea what it takes to host a dinner party or family dinner. There will always be a complainer or someone who reminds you of what you forgot. There will be those who will ask you for a gift and will remind you as they exit if you forgot or misplaced something.

We must forgive. You must forgive your sister. You achieved a happy holiday for all. Stick to tighter boundaries next year and send out your agenda and menu to all. If you put the details in writing and your sister exhibits her inappropriate behavior, she will stand out.

Many times, your most critical guests will be those who have no conception of situational awareness or of how to serve others. Be loving and do not allow anyone to strip you of your joy! But how can you achieve this?

Set boundaries and understand that you may have to move the bar. Forgive quickly. Love swiftly.

It is through a servant’s heart that others can see the true meaning of Christmas or the holidays. Before guests arrive, stop, drop to your knees, and pray for them. Remember, in order to be the Perfect Hostess, you must stand willing and ready for criticism. You must be willing to give to those who have an inability to give.