A lesson I have learned as of late is something that Maya Angelou said: “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”
For most of my life, I have given people the benefit of the doubt, wanting to believe the best in others.
Everyone has off days, experiences, and reactions (myself included), so I make it a practice to see people for whom they consistently strive to be rather than focus on their shortcomings. And I hope others do the same for me… focus on the best rather than the worst of me. After all, no one talked about Babe Ruth’s 1,330 strikeouts; fans were focused on his next home run, all 714.
There are people, however, in our lives who have demonstrated that their strikes are venomous. Eventually, they lose supporters because of their unappealing nature. People are focused on their next strike even when they hit the occasional home run. Knowing it is coming, some stay quiet or get out of the way so the target does not rest upon them. Those being attacked are grateful to the few individuals who stand up to the vipers. These people are champions of those who are unfairly or callously treated.
You may know such people: the vipers and the victors.
Vipers may shed their skin multiple times, but they are still snakes. These are the prideful, the keyboard warriors, the rumormongers, the religious phonies, the self-righteous, and the people with just enough guts to whisper slander behind closed doors but never to your face. You never know whom you are dealing with because the vipers have mastered two personalities: the gregarious and the grotesque. And they both wear the same face. This face smiles, laughs, and can even appear engaged. Yet, you know they spend a lot of their energy striking out.
My counselor once told me, “Never let the same snake bite you twice.” She explained that I needed to stop being myself around snakes. “Stop giving them your positivity and sunshine,” she said.
I pushed back, frustrated that I should stop being me because of someone else’s ugliness. “Wouldn’t that make me like them?” I protested. “I don’t want to be like them – ever. I want to be me, faults and all,” I laughed. But even in my laughter, I was saddened even to be having the conversation.
“You’re missing the point,” she continued.
“Don’t stop being you. Just stop giving them your energy: You have been shown who they are; BELIEVE THEM!” My counselor challenged me to be professional but not overly polite. “Your life is too lovely to set yourself up to be treated poorly. You have better things to do. Let the snakes spend their energy how they wish. If you must encounter them, keep out of their striking range, and do not give them any more of your time than necessary.”
My counselor’s words contradict my natural tendency to be kind. Yet, she is trying to teach me what I should have learned in junior high: mean people exist, and they are usually that way because they are unhappy, jealous, or insecure. Here I am, over half a century old, and I still feel more like Pollyanna, wanting people to be for rather than against one another. And yet, I have felt the snake’s bite, and I do not wish to be bit again.
There is a learned balance of being nice but not taking any malarkey. I am learning to be joyful and helpful but with firmer boundaries. My life is my business, and if others want to make it their business, they better understand that it is by personal invitation only. I welcome and desire to make new friends, but I keep a keen eye on the snakes. I will continue to help others, be kind, and do no harm, and as naive as it may sound, I still hope others do the same. I pray that in a world that is suffering, we try to lessen the distress of others. And some do — these are the victors.
“Make a habit of two things: to help, or at least to do no harm.” – Hippocrates
The victors do not live by acceptance rate but by purpose and passion. They stay focused on the higher good and are advocates for others. They do not rely on a specific cloak or clout; they have a decerning sense of right and wrong and report to God for approval. They are not double-minded; instead, they are humbly aware that they are sinners living by the grace of God. And even if they could throw a stone, they would rather put it down and use their hands to lift others up. They spend their energy serving out of love rather than from an agenda.
“Strong people stand up for themselves, but stronger people stand up for others.” – Chris Gardner
Even if our voice shakes, may we use it for good. Please do not condone ugliness by participating in the conversation or remaining silent.
This world needs brave, strong people to be optimistic but not take any malarkey.
We can be kind as well as courageous.
We can use our voices to promote peace rather than remain quiet and allow toxic people to strike.
Often our environment is created by what we allow.
Maybe it is time we revisit what should be tolerated.
Maybe it is time to replace the vipers with the victors.
This column was initially published by CherryRoad Media. ©Tiffany Kaye Chartier.
