Grief does not pause for the holidays, but etiquette expert Lisa Burdette says it can be carried with grace — and even purpose — when communities choose presence over avoidance.
As families across Texas move through December marked by loss, Burdette, founder of the Dallas School of Etiquette and a widow who remarried after losing her husband of 32 years, says Western culture’s discomfort with death has left many grieving people isolated at precisely the moment they need others most.
Burdette’s perspective is shaped by personal tragedy and recent events. She lost her husband, Jim, in November 2019 after a yearlong illness, following the deaths of her father and her dog in the preceding year. This year, she also knew two victims of the July 2025 Camp Mystic flood that took the lives of 25 campers and two camp counselors.
“And I think that that’s one of the things that people try to remove themselves from death and just put it aside,” Burdette said. “And then that leads to, you know, emotional problems, dysfunction, mental disorders.”
She contrasted what she described as Western avoidance of grief with cultures rooted in strong communal faith traditions.
“And one of the things that you’ll find different from the Westerners versus the Hispanic culture, they have remained devout to their faith,” Burdette said. “They’re very strong Catholics, and the percentage of them that actively practice their faith is higher than people of faith in the Western culture.”
According to Burdette, the erosion of faith-based and neighborhood communities has weakened the informal support systems that once surrounded people after death, particularly among adults ages 30 to 50.
“But when we have communities to surround each other, when these storms of life occur or realities for all of us, it’s just better coping,” she said. “It doesn’t take the pain away, but you have a lot of love around you.”
Burdette emphasized maintaining routine as a stabilizing force in grief, including work, exercise, and service to others.
“One of the ways that I walked through these tragedies that I tried was my faith, number one, and then I tried to stay in a routine of exercise, serving others, working, actively using my mind, and working for the good of helping someone else, doing things that I loved,” she said.
During the holidays, she advises families to acknowledge those who have died without allowing grief to dominate gatherings. Lighting a candle, sharing a story, or quietly honoring a loved one can coexist with joy, she said, without guilt.
Her first Thanksgiving came just days after her husband’s death and two days before his funeral. With six children looking to her for leadership, Burdette chose connection over withdrawal, inviting friends of different faiths to the table.
“I invited one Muslim friend of my husband’s. I invited a Jewish family,” she said. “We were all together grieving for the person that we lost in celebration of Thanksgiving.” The next day, her family ran a half-marathon that her husband once enjoyed.
For those supporting someone in grief, Burdette stressed that help should extend beyond the funeral.
“Absolutely follow, write notes, go and visit,” she said, recalling the impact of visitors who returned months later with food and companionship. “When you bury someone that’s close to you, the funeral is the easiest day. It’s going home. It’s the two months after.”
Receiving grief from others can be tricky. “To receive grief, I think, is to listen,” Burdette said, recalling that she enjoyed letting others rally around her when she was grieving.
She also urged patience toward those who say the wrong thing, attributing many hurtful comments to a lack of understanding rather than malice. “You have to love them when you don’t feel like it,” she said. “What I realized is that a lot of people… [who] said the worst things… they don’t understand [what you are going through].”
For those anticipating loss, Burdette advocates living fully rather than retreating.
After doctors told her husband he had months to live, the couple traveled repeatedly to see their children and continued to pursue meaningful experiences. “We lived,” she said. “We didn’t eat baby food and sing Kumbaya. We lived.”
Asked for one piece of advice for those grieving this holiday season, Burdette returned to service.
“It would be to pray and to seek out the needs of people around you and go and serve,” she said.
Lisa writes the Burdet-tiquette advice column for The Dallas Express. A catalog of her most recent columns is available here.
