“I thought once Chris left, I’d be back to being me again,” she said. “But I don’t know who the hell I am, and that scares me even more than Chris did.”
The woman had been explaining her frustration about not feeling content, even after fleeing an unhealthy relationship.
Ironically, when something becomes prevalent in your life, its sudden absence might have a profound impact on you, even if the thing itself is difficult or distressing.
“What scares you the most?” I asked.
Although her voice and posture were poised, she wrung her hands throughout our conversation. Her somatic language spoke louder than her words.
“I keep thinking about how I became someone who did so much while receiving so little,” she said with a soft laugh. “Even hearing myself say that makes me feel ashamed. Chris provided in almost every way.”
“In almost every way?” I inquired.
“He didn’t know how to love me. Really love me,” she said. “He became irritated when he could see that I was disappointed or unhappy. So, I always tried to remain thankful for all that he did. And when I didn’t feel particularly thankful, I would busy myself with projects,” she said.
“Projects?” I asked.
“Taking up new roles, starting a business of my own. Making friends outside of our marriage,” she said. Her face flushed.
I remained quiet, letting her wrestle with her next thought. Her fingers began to tremble as she rubbed the space on her finger that once wore a diamond band.
“I never knew if he was having a hard time loving me or if I was just hard to love,” she said.
“There is a lot of shame in that statement, and I wonder if it’s misplaced,” I said. “May I ask if you ever find the answer you were looking for?”
“Not in anything long-term,” she responded.
“Cheap dopamine?” I asked.
“What?” she questioned.
“Cheap dopamine,” I repeated. “Perhaps you found yourself engaging in activities that provided short-term pleasure. This is not unhealthy on its surface. But I have a feeling you have already learned that cheap dopamine can be addictive; it can lead to behaviors to feel something or nothing. It can also enable a justification response so that you engage in circumstances you typically would not because you feel slighted, neglected, or unworthy.”
The blush upon her cheeks turned from embarrassment to anger.
“You don’t know me. I’m not sharing with you to be convicted. I thought you could help. I was wrong. Excuse me,” she said as she stood up.
I stood as well, expecting her to leave. “You’re right,” I said.
She looked at me. Her eyes were still and cold, but there was a hot flood just behind the dam. “About what? Right about what?” she asked.
“I don’t know you. You came to me. I never said I could help. I told you I would listen and try to help,” I said. “I’m not judging you. I’m not qualified to judge anyone, nor do I want that responsibility. I clearly upset you, but what is more important is knowing what I said that hit you so hard. Do you know?”
“If you must know, I realized you just answered the question you asked me earlier,” she said as she clutched her purse closer.
“What question was that?” I asked.
“What scares you the most? You asked me that, and I didn’t know. But I guess I always knew. I have always been the slighted, neglected, and unworthy girl. When I grew up, I imagined being something – something more. Something someone thought of and saw as more – treated as more. What I found out is I’m still all that I was as a young girl, but now in an older woman’s body.”
Tears started to fall, staining her cheeks with years of sadness. I wanted to reach out to her, but she turned and walked toward the exit. Before she reached the door, I saw her straighten her back and wipe the tears from her face.
I doubt I will ever see her again, yet I believe I unknowingly meet someone similar to her at least once a week.
We never know what it takes for some people to straighten up and carry on.
May we walk gently on the path we share with others, respecting the space we each hold while understanding that most of us, if not all, are in different stages of living with wounds and making an effort to heal.
