I recently found myself in the emergency room, and the doctor asked, “Where does it hurt?”
Resting at home the following day, I spoke with my mother over the phone. She was kind and supportive, even though neither of us had a straight answer as to what happened to put me in the emergency room. I knew it would be a process and that waiting for answers could be as taxing on my mind as on my body. Throughout our discussion, my mom reminded me of the doctor. By checking on me emotionally, my mom was basically asking, “Where does it hurt?”
Comedian and director Woody Allen said, “Showing up is 80 percent of life.” Regarding relationships, I would add three things to showing up: being respectful, empathetic, and trustworthy.
Most people would agree that a certain level of peace comes from knowing we are not alone. Perhaps better put, a certain leveling comes from knowing we are not alone: good company can help calm a torrent of thoughts. This “leveling” does not require someone to come up with answers but to simply come alongside.
What does coming alongside someone look like?
Coming alongside someone in their struggle is to accompany them on their journey rather than making it about you, the cause, or the answer. Simply put, it is meeting someone where they are and loving them.
Years ago, I would make visits to hospitals to be with people who were terminally ill. I never brought a card, flowers, or a casserole into their rooms. I knew the patients in these states did not need things, fluffy pick-me-up speeches, or a sermon. And they did not need to know me other than to know I was there for them. I was always touched by what it meant to different people to have someone come alongside them during these moments.
A patient in the latter stages of Alzheimer’s held out his hand to me, and I pulled up a chair next to his bed and held his hand. No words were exchanged, yet so much transpired in 15 minutes of touch.
Another patient asked me to return the following week. “On Monday,” she said in a demanding tone. I thought her to be rather gruff, but I still returned.
When I arrived on Monday, the woman pointed to a small stack of papers, hole-punched and bound together by brass-plated fasteners. “I asked my daughter to bring the book up to me this weekend,” the woman said as she adjusted a pillow behind her back. “She can only come on the weekends because she works full-time and isn’t nearby.”
I picked up what she called “the book” and held it with both hands. I had a feeling it had been read for more years than I had been alive. I started to hand it to her, and she shook her head.
“No, reading brings on the headaches. Just read it to me,” she said.
I soon realized what I was about to read: a stack of 16 hand-written letters this woman had composed to her daughter. “Every year, starting when she was one year old, I wrote her a letter,” she said. “I saved them all and gave them to her on her 16th birthday.”
She shook her head and almost smiled. “Hard to believe she has two kids of her own. I was probably close to her age now when I wrote these letters.” She waved her hand as she put her head on the pillow and closed her eyes. “Please. Please, read them to me.”
I never got to meet her daughter, but I found out through the letters that her name was Evie, and Evie took her stuffed bear with her everywhere when she was two years old. When Evie was 10, she learned how to play the piano. At age 15, she went with her mom to pick out her first gown to wear at a dance — the gown was pale blue. Even though the woman fell asleep before I finished, I read every word aloud. Upon leaving, I returned the book to the side table. The following Monday, I came back to find the room empty.
Never devalue the importance of coming alongside.
As we move through the days ahead, may we challenge ourselves to be present for one another. The world needs people to love them where they are and be present in faith and biblical love. The world needs you; your world could be the person living in your home, working in your office, or someone you speak with over the phone today.
Ask God to show you how you can come alongside someone this week.
This column was initially published by CherryRoad Media. ©Tiffany Kaye Chartier.
