People often tire of hearing complaints from others, yet we can also become weary of rethinking and rehashing our own negative narratives.
Even when we are progressing at a relatively positive pace, intrusive doubt and distress can trigger unexpected reactions, often resulting in anger, shame, and frustration.
When we express these thoughts, we often intensify the struggle. Hearing ourselves speak negatively can cause a disassociation between who we think we are and who we do not wish to become.
Numerous life examples can potentially develop into structural dissociation.
A primary example is intimate partner relationships.
Let’s say you were betrayed in a former relationship. After the relationship was damaged to the point of dissolution, you found yourself struggling to trust yourself because you thought you knew the person with whom you had placed your confidence.
How could you have been so wrong? So wronged?
Perhaps this person is both who you thought and who you could have never imagined. This isn’t a clean concept — it is messy and can be traumatic.
Another common example is family dynamics.
Let’s say you love your father, but he is often critical, rarely complimentary, and has hurt you with his seeming lack of support, interest, and desire to see you succeed. You want to honor your father and maintain a relationship. However, after reaching out to him, you often leave the conversation feeling a vast disconnect between how the relationship is and how you wish the relationship were.
You keep picking up the phone, hoping this conversation will be different. But it isn’t, even though you convince yourself he might be in a better mood this time.
Why do you keep thinking things will change? That he will change?
This is also not a clean concept — it is messy and can be traumatic.
In these and many other examples, you strive to move forward. You push your injured voice to the side, telling yourself to get over it. Although you may not hear the discontentment while it is muzzled in the shadows, you can still feel its gaze.
Then, one day, something happens, big or small, that impels this suppressed voice into an agitated, undisciplined space at odds with your trained positivity and self-control.
Internal turmoil persists because a voice inside you is being ignored or chastised rather than heard. This is your defense system trying to get the attention of your attachment system.
You tell yourself to stop playing the role of a pathetic victim, saying that this narrative is old, tedious, and tiresome. You believe that nothing will change — what’s done is done. This may very well be true, but the emotions are not done, despite your attempts to tell yourself it no longer matters.
Even if certain people and memories no longer have a significant impact on you, the emotional connection to those individuals and experiences can linger. This can trigger a physical response, even if you can’t identify a specific moment to associate it with.
In this, your inner defense system is conveying an important message.
Acknowledging the truth that you have been victimized does not mean you are adopting a victim mindset. Re-read that sentence.
Closing off parts of yourself will lead to feeling stifled, imprisoned, and ultimately victimized once more. You may feel disjointed, and a lingering agitation will persist beneath seemingly calm waters.
You attempt to push through, desiring connection, but at the same time, pull away, not wanting to be harmed or disappointed.
Do not lessen yourself because you have somehow convinced yourself that strength is moving forward no matter the cost. Do not let the cost be you.
By not recognizing and listening to the voice within you that seeks your attention and understanding, you inadvertently create the very mindset you are trying to escape.
The reality that life is not fair does not diminish the pain you are experiencing. Further, other people’s experiences do not diminish yours. And their beliefs or disbeliefs are not needed to confirm your experiences.
You lived them.
Do not discount yourself in the name of being “strong.” Every great warrior knows that armor is not tested in avoiding the battle but by facing the foe. In this instance, the foe may very well be yourself in an effort to avoid shame, fear, sadness, confusion, frustration, and anger.
Re-engage yourself.
Making space for your thoughts does not make you weak, whiny, or inferior. Instead, it allows you to confront different parts of yourself: the part that copes by avoiding the truth and the part that seeks healing by accepting the truth.
Either way, the truth does not change. What you do with it is the difference maker.
Re-integrate yourself.
Make peace with yourself by acknowledging all the pieces, even the ones you have convinced yourself are broken. Trust that God uses every bit of us, even the jagged bits, to achieve His purpose.
All of you is needed. All of you is loved.
Speak freely to yourself about your highs and lows, disappointments, expectations, and hopes. Don’t hold back.
Befriend who you are now, understanding that you are a culmination of all your ages and stages.
You always show up for those in need. Now is the time to show up for yourself.
Tend to yourself as much as you tend to the needs of others. Be gentle and attentive in your pain as much as in your pleasure.
Allow every voice to have a space to be seen and heard. Give your whole attention to the whole of you.
Make this personal because it is. Make this count because it does.
Friend, I pray you forward on the road of benevolence, healing, and peace.
This column was initially published by CherryRoad Media. ©Tiffany Kaye Chartier.